i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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