dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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