I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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