So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
