I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
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Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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