Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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