Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
