Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
