The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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