I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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