when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
