It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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