Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
