I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
