K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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