I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
