I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
