Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
