I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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