i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
