he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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