I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
