Can i not drive my cunt home
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
