put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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