There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
