Cold hands, warm shart.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
