fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
