dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
