he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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