My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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