i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
