idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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