I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Too much gin, very little bucket
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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