I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
