Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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