I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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