My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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