note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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