You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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