I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
ok first of all what the fuck
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
