A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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