My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
