glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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