So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
