I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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