Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
