Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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