He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize