In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
