Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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