the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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