my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
soo... how was my night?
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