i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
