I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
