you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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